Talking to Myself, Preaching to the Choir ...

I am fairly certain I am talking to myself here, and yet I continue to put words onto the screen like nobody's business.

Here I am, intentionally careful about what I say, lest I hurt someone's feelings or let any proverbial cats out of the bag. Let's just say I have access to a whole litter of cats in a bag right now and haven't said a word. No-sir-ee! It's been a real test of my discipline to keep my mouth shut concerning certain issues in recent months. I've done well, if I must say so myself.

And I will indeed say it! "I've done well".

But why? Why, when I am the only one reading what I've written anyway?

Given the distinct possibility that no one ever reads my blog, I will hereby give myself permission to ramble. At least for tonight.

I don't care much for the month of October. I never have. The onset of October means that all possibility of opening my front door and finding that a gloriously sunny summer day awaits outside, has passed and won't return for another eight months!

This was only made worse by the fact that my mother passed away in October, four years ago today as a matter of fact. October 27, 2004. What an awful, ugly night that was.

October finds no friend in me. It haunts me with a sense of gloom and doom around every corner.

How unlike "me" that really is.

Bubbly, happy-go-lucky, ever so optimistic me!

Well, not this month and especially not tonight. I've spent the day on an emotional roller coaster, never knowing from one minute to the next whether I'll be laughing or crying, venturing out, or looking for a cave in which to drag my weary self and wait for the dark clouds to pass.

I was such a blubbering fool a few short hours ago that I'm fairly certain my husband regretted even coming home from work. One minute I was sitting at the computer happily pecking away and the next I was sobbing uncontrollably, tears flooding down my face and onto the keyboard so badly I feared it might fry.

On the other hand, today's ride on the emotional roller coaster was actually an improvement over yesterday when I spent the whole day feeling so low I wanted to do nothing but hibernate. Today, there were a few "highs". That's a good sign, huh?

So, there it is! A glimmer of hope, a sprinkle of optimism.

Things are looking up. Maybe I'm on my way back.

This afternoon, after dragging myself first into, then out of the bathtub (yes, even that took more effort than I felt I could spare) I dried myself off and reached under the counter for the antiperspirant. Shaking the can, I lifted my right arm and sprayed.

It had an odd appearance. I wondered why. So, I sprayed some more, then caught the reflection of myself holding the can in the mirror. It wasn't antiperspirant I was dousing my underarm with at all. Instead I had liberally soaked it with a heavy dose of hair spray.

I realized I couldn't put my arm down, as that would surely cause it to be stuck to my side indefinitely, so with one arm held high, I walked over to the bathtub, picked up my wet washcloth and proceeded to wipe the nasty sticky mess away.

It reminded me of the time many years ago when Mom walked into the kitchen, opened the pantry door and took out the "Pam" non-stick cooking spray for a recipe she was planning to make. She was talking (as was almost always the case) and absent mindedly began spraying her hair with the cooking spray as she chattered away.

We all busted out laughing, which was her first clue that something was amiss.

Inspecting the can she was clasping in her hand, she started laughing too, then placed it back in the pantry and asked nonchalantly, "Does my hair look oily to you?"

Maybe that was my mother's gift to me today ... to have me do something silly that would remind me of her...

And if only for a fleeting second, make me laugh.