I Love My Son

I love my son.

I love my son.

Really. I do love my son.

Some days, it's the sole reason I let him live.

Adam David, or "the boy" as we fondly refer to him, was born fifteen and half years ago. He was very much wanted and a welcomed ray of sunshine during what was then a rather dark time of my life.

My! How things change!

Don't get me wrong. As I clearly stated, I love my son tremendously. It's just that he seems to like nothing more than to find my last nerve and jump on it. If it's not one thing, it's another. Every day's a new day and another "adventure".

Maybe I'm just not as "adventurous" as I use to be. Maybe I'm just getting weary in my old age and not as tolerant as I once was.

Or maybe I'm right when I say the boy goes out of his way to try to push me over the edge.

Adam has a new girlfriend. That right there is enough cause for alarm, in my opinion. I've never met the girl, but he says she's really nice. She use to go to his school. She's blond ... and oh! Her name is "Becky". (That's somehow meant to make me feel better)

She's also older than him and has a car.

(Breathe Mama! Breathe!)

Last night the boy announced his weekend plans to me. Yes, I said he "announced" (not "asked") He said Becky would be driving him home from school today, where they would hang out and watch a movie together. Then, tomorrow they were planning to go to a concert in a town a good thirty miles from here, after which he would spend the night with his friend, Zach. (Not the "Zach" who lives near us, this is another "Zach" whom I've never actually met.)

Uh-huh.

I ran to the mirror to see if someone had scrawled "STUPID" across my forehead without my knowledge, because clearly my son was under the impression I'd approve of his weekend plans without an inkling of apprehension.

"ButMom, youdontunderstand, thismeansalottome. Justtrustme. PLEASE?!"

I trust Adam (sort of) ... at least as much as a mother could trust a fifteen and a half year old boy who is now "dating" a girl I've never met who happens to drive. I do, however, have some problem trusting this older girl I've never met, who will "date" a fifteen and a half year old boy. I also have trouble trusting these friends I've never met who live in this far away town.

I can't help but think that sweet smelling bundle of joy that was handed to me on July 17,1994 should have come with a warning label.

I tossed and turned last night, in anticipation of the argument that would surely ensue this morning when I reminded the boy that, while I would allow his new girlfriend to come to the house and watch a movie with him after school, I would not allow him to carry out any of his other plans this weekend.

No concert. No staying all night at the home of a friend I've never met.

But my worries were all in vain. As soon as Adam came bounding down the stairs this morning he announced that he'd made new plans. Plans he was sure I'd like better.

Becky is still picking him up after school today. They are still going to stop and rent a movie.

And then, they are going to her house to watch it.

But it's ok! Her parents (whom I've also never met) are going to be home.

"C'monMom,Justtrustme, Pleeeeeease?!"

It was back to the mirror again for me. Sure enough, my forehead remains clean and free of any labels that would indicate a lack of motherly wisdom.

To Adam's dismay we are back to the original plans. This girl I've never met, named Becky, will bring Adam home from school and they will watch a movie here within the confines of our own four walls ... quite possibly with me sitting between them on the sofa.

It's the least I can do.

Because I love my son.



Becky Taylor
http://www.boldnewday.com

Weighting Around ..

I've never had a real weight problem. Through no fault of my own, I inherited my Dad's metabolism which, for the first 40 some years of my life, made it relatively easy to stay thin.

What a cruel trick of Mother Nature to suddenly turn the tables on me (no pun intended)! Dad is ninety years old and still eats anything he wants, most of which is covered in enough sugar to throw a normal person into an instant diabetic crisis. Never-the-less, he's still rail thin and no doubt always will be.

I remember when I use to be rail thin. Throughout my childhood, teen years and twenties I couldn't gain weight if I tried (and I actually did try) Then, when I was in my thirties I gained up to what would have been considered a more "healthy" weight. During my early forties I reached the middle to upper limits of what the medical charts called normal for a woman my age and height.

With the exception of a brief period of time during my Mother's illness when I gained up to my heaviest ever weight, the scales have been generally kind to me. Even then I found it nothing to be alarmed about! I simply cut back on the sugar in my diet and dropped the extra pounds in no time at all.

Now that I am pushing fifty (and within about four pounds of my previously recorded heaviest non-pregnant weight ever ... eeeeek!) I'm finding that nothing ... nothing I try results in the loss of any of these extra pounds.

To the contrary! It almost seems that the more I try to lose it, the more I gain!

What the heck is up with that?

I've never been more health conscious in my life. I've never put more effort into watching what I eat, taking supplements, and exercising.

Not only does it look like I won't be reaching my goal of being in the best shape ever by the time I hit fifty ... the opposite appears to be a real threat. Instead of buying a new bikini to wear to the beach on my birthday, I'll be shopping for a MuMu.

(I really wish I was kidding about that!)

I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. Seriously! If I'm going to gain weight regardless of what I do, why not enjoy it? Why not indulge myself in all those desserts I normally say "no, thanks!" to?

The way I see it, if saying "No" has only been a catalyst to gaining, then maybe ... just maybe saying "YES!" will cause me to LOSE weight.

OK, so maybe it's a bit of a stretch to find the logic in that manner of thinking but at this point I'm ready to test my theory.

What's the worst that can happen ... I'll gain weight? Oh! Wait! I'm already doing that!

I'm going to stop restricting myself and start enjoying food again. If by some odd twist of events, my theory is correct I will actually lose weight by eating more. If the theory proves to be wrong, that's fine too. Either way I intend to celebrate my findings with a nice big piece of hot fudge cake.

Becky J.Taylor
http://www.boldnewday.com

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Afternoon

It's nearly 4:00 on a bright, sunny Saturday afternoon. This is the kind of day that puts a kick in a person's step. After a long, atypical stretch of ugly gray days, it's so nice to see the clouds part and the sun come shining through.

From what I understand, we need to enjoy it while it lasts because after tomorrow the rain is moving back in.

Walt has been busy getting ready to go to Ghana, West Africa. He leaves tomorrow. Even in the midst of all his excitement about the trip, he decided to take a couple hours off and head out on the Harley for a quick ride through the mountains.

I stayed home because a) I'm tired, and b) Adam is expecting a visitor of the female persuasion and well, that pretty much explains that doesn't it?

I suppose I could write about more interesting things at this point (and that was my original intention when I first sat down at the computer) but I am suddenly feeling drowsy and not really enthused about anything in particular. (So much for the sunny day putting a kick in my step)

There is much on my mind, so many things I've been intending to write about but it looks like they will have to wait til yet another day ... or week as the case may be.

A quick summary of potential topics include (but are not limited to)

• the unexpected announcement that our sixth grandchild is due to arrive in August (Happy 50th birthday to meeeee!)
• the weekend I spent with my daughter Emily, and how a huge snowstorm almost destroyed our somewhat "devious" plans (we are not the type to let a little bit of ice get in the way of a good time!)
  
• Valentines Day 2010, or rather how it almost didn't happen (that might be more of a book than a blog entry)
• "Grandmas Gone Wild" *snicker*

That's about it. I'll write more later, maybe after a nap ... or maybe not. We'll see.

Until later ...

Becky Taylor
http://www.boldnewday.com

Unwell

I got one of "those" calls from the school today. Adam was once again in the nurses office feeling sick. It was his first day back this week, as he's been down with whatever upper respiratory crud it is that's been making it's rounds lately. I took him to Urgent Care Monday evening, where the doctor took one look in his throat and proclaimed "If his throat were a building, I'd have to condemn it."

(Gotta love medical humor.)

After swabbing his throat and nasal passages for samples which came back negative for both flu and strep, we were handed a prescription for a "Z-Pack" and told to come back if he wasn't better within a couple days.

Which he was, of course. That's why he went to school today.

Well, for half a day anyway.

I picked him up around eleven o'clock this morning and drove him straight to the walk in clinic. This time he was complaining of his knees buckling when he tried to walk, and his mouth drawing to one side.

Scary stuff!

His knees have buckled on a few occasions, but we've thought it was probably because he wasn't getting enough exercise. His mouth drawing involuntarily to one side was pretty alarming, and something I couldn't think of a single "easy" explanation for. So today I decided enough was enough and prepared myself to sit at the clinic for a while.

The clinic doctor took one look at him and announced that he needed to be sent straight to the emergency room. They said they'd call and tell them he was on his way.

At the hospital, the doctor quickly diagnosed him as having a bad reaction to one of the medications he takes regularly for OCD issues. They gave him a shot of something, which magically alleviated his symptoms ... told me to speak to his regular doctor about bringing him down off that particular medicine gradually, monitored him carefully for about an hour ... and sent us home.

Perhaps that doesn't sound like much of an ordeal to the casual bystander, but frankly I am exhausted of all this stuff! I stop short of saying it was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" but it was at least "one more thing" I really didn't need to have to deal with right now.

The thoughts that crossed my mind as I sat there looking at my handsome, lanky, fifteen year old son perched on the exam table, included (but were not limited to)

a) Why God, have You not healed this child of these afflictions?

b) How in Heaven's name am I going to pay for yet another hospital bill?

c) Who is going to pick him up from school when this sort of thing happens once I go back to work outside the house? (which I am about to have to do)

and d) Oh how I wish my mother were still alive!

... nobody else could possibly care about all I am going through with Adam like she would have. The whole time I sat there at the hospital, it felt very much like "me and the boy" against the world, just like it's been for most of his life.

Once Adam was discharged, we were escorted to the financial consultation offices where an elderly man explained that our insurance deductible was $150.00 and of course was expected to be paid in full before we left.

After which I immediately explained back that I had no money to pay today. Actually, that's the biggest reason I didn't go straight to E.R. to begin with. The co-pay for Urgent Care is $20.00, vs. the $150.00 for E.R. BIG difference, so I really hoped Urgent Care could help him instead.

With a sympathetic smile, the elderly gentleman suggested that I pay "half" the deductible today and the rest next week.

I smiled back and explained, "No", I couldn't.

"We take credit cards", he told me.

"I don't have a credit card", I replied.

Then, I added that I'd try to pay the $150.00 within the month.

The sweet old man nodded and said, "That's ok, you can go now"

What else was he going to do, hold Adam for ransom until I was able to cough up the co-pay?

So we left, the boy and I, and headed home. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and neither of us had eaten. I splurged and stopped at McDonalds to grab a bite. I tried not to think of the 10 bucks I'd "squandered" on fast food. God forbid I spend a dime when we had leftovers in the fridge at home.

Once home, I got on the internet and applied for a few more jobs. I need to come up with some way to finish paying off Adam's existing hospital bills plus this new one ... and I need to do it quickly. I have one offer waiting in the wings but I'm not fond of the location. It's too far from home, and requires working weekends. I'll take it if I have to, but I'd rather not.

I'm really kicking myself for leaving the conventional workplace altogether, right now. Maybe I should have kept that door open just in case I needed it again. Like today, for instance.

Although it may sound like I'm complaining, I'm really not. As I said before I am tired. OK, I'm also rather disappointed to be facing this new set of challenges that lie ahead. I was so very much hoping the year 2010 would be brighter than it's predecessor. So far, that doesn't appear to be the case.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I have no clue how much it would cost to fix that ailment.

Sigh

Here's "Unwell" by Matchbox 20

(and the lyrics, in case you want to sing along) :)

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be


Becky J. Taylor
Feb. 10, 2010

Out On A Limb

The idea of turning fifty has actually grown on me (or so I thought).

Over the last several months, I've been making serious attempts to better myself physically, working at a fevered pace on my business to ensure my financial success, and planning what will surely come to be remembered as the best "Big 5-OH!" party event in all history.

All the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that have happened over the last year or so have only fueled my bull-dog determination to make my latter days better than my former. Not only have I gone out on the proverbial limb concerning my future, I've decided to swing from it holding on only by my pinky fingers.

OK, so in retrospect maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Considering my age, perhaps I should conserve some energy. As it turns out, "pushing fifty" is requiring more strength than I first expected.

"Fifty" in fact, seems to have plans of it's own and from what I can tell so far, I do not approve!

On this crisp February Monday morning I find myself having to re-think it all, re-strategize and prioritize. I'm scratching my plans and starting all over again.

Rolling with yet another punch from this experience called life.

And asking myself if a middle aged woman really ought to be rolling like that. Seriously! I could break a hip!

I am tired to the bone, that I can't deny. I feel totally overwhelmed right now and really at a loss as far as knowing what to do about it.

Is this what turning fifty is actually all about? I remember my mother and her friends complaining about hot flashes and mood swings. I only wish those were the worst of my concerns.

Enough already! I am strong! I am invincible! Just as "forty-nine" has failed in it's many attempts to take me down, "fifty" be forewarned! Do not start with me, you will not win! If this limb I am clinging to snaps and I fall, I swear I will pick it up and use it to beat the hound out of you!

Uh-huh, that's right. Don't you forget it!

Becky J. Taylor
Feb. 8, 2010
http://www.boldnewday.com